Super Mario Bros. 3: Damned Edition

The NES had many great games back in the 1980’s. My favorite was Super Mario Brothers 3. Although the physics engine sucked moldy ass-crack, it was perfect in every other way. The satisfaction of defeating Bowser (King Koopa) at the end of the game, the controls, and even the graphics are good for their time.

Sadly, some years ago, my NES and my games were lost after moving. I did get an FC Twin (an NES and SNES in one) to replace it. The one and only game I wanted was Super Mario Bros. 3. I had no money to buy a copy, so I was stuck without one.

One year had passed. One year without Super Mario Bros. 3. I went to go check the mail since I hadn’t checked it since the month before. Upon opening the mailbox, a small box popped out. There was a note attached to it. It said “Congratulations! You have won a special prize! Open the box and see what you have won!” Puzzled, I looked at the box.

I brought it inside and opened it with my box cutter. Inside was a copy of Super Mario Bros. 3. With joy, I slapped the cartridge into the FC Twin and turned it on to the 8-bit option. What followed was the weirdest and creepiest display of any video game I’ve ever played.

Instead of the pleasant, quirky opening cut scene, an image faded in that said Super Mario Bros. 3 in front of a black image with Mario’s sprite under the title. After about 5 seconds of that image, it faded out. It looked as if it was edited with Windows Movie Maker. Then, a cut scene started rolling. It depicted Bowser’s Airships attacking Princess Toadstools castle. Bowser emerged from the leading ship. He jumped into the castle, falling through the roof. Toad guards bombarded him. With his claws, he killed every single one of them, clawing into their faces. Their screams were bloodcurdling.

After slaughtering a whole Toad army, he barged into the Peach’s room. She was cowering in the corner. A text box appeared. “Peach: Help me! Please!” Bowser closed in on Peach, getting closer and closer. Just as he covered her, the screen faded to black. Then, I was brought to the normal over world screen. The happy, go-lucky music was playing, the cactuses were dancing, and an airship was hovering over the castle. I thought it would be normal from here on out. Boy, was I dead wrong. Dead Wrong.

I entered the first level. Mario had already collected a mushroom apparently, as his sprite was larger. I ran to a question box and hit it. Expecting a fire flower, instead I got a pistol. I was stunned. “Why is there a gun in a Mario game?” Curious, I picked up the weapon. I pressed the B button and the gun made a loud, realistic sounding gunshot noise, which was weird since the NES wasn’t capable of making sounds of that quality.

Not minding the oddness of the newly added weapon, I ventured forward, hoping something normal would happen. I had no such luck. Approaching a piranha plant, Mario stopped dead in his tracks, jumped onto the piranha plant, and snapped it in half. Green liquid (which I assumed was blood) started squirting out of the plants stem. “This has to be some kind of joke.” I said to myself. “Nintendo would never make something like this.”

Moving on, I approached the first goomba in the game. As I walked towards the goomba, Mario looked at it with this angry look. He looked pissed off. The goomba finally touched Mario, which triggered a cut scene. Mario picked up the goomba as a textbox appeared. “Mario: Where’s the princess? Goomba: (Stammering) I… I don’t know man. (Crying)

Please just leave me alone. Mario: … Goomba: (Sniffling) He… Hello? Mario: Die.” Mario pointed his pistol at the goomba’ face, and shot it. He dropped the dead body. Blood started coming from the dead creature. The screen faded back to the game. I literally didn’t press any buttons for about a minute. I was too freaked out to do anything. Still, I ventured on.

I went to the next item block. A knife popped out from the yellow block. Mario grabbed it on his own, without me pressing any buttons. After he collected it, a group of goombas and para-goombas just happily strolled to the left. As soon as they saw Mario, however, they turned and ran. Mario (being the relentless mother fucker he is in this game) chased them and stabbed them all with his newly acquired knife. After killing them, I could finally control Mario again.

I tried not to come into come into contact with any enemies at all. Finally, after a long, creepy trip, I reached the end of the level. Bowser was there waiting for me. He came closer to Mario. Mario then lunged at Bowser, but he was just smacked to the ground by Bowser’s claw. Mario lay there, knocked out. Bowser then jumped up above Mario. A text box appeared above Mario. ”Mario: This, is all thanks to you.” Bowser then squished Mario, as his limbs and head flew across the screen. The screen faded to black.

The final amount of text appeared. It scrolled up the screen like the end credits. It read, “Game Over. You let Mario die. Therefore, he couldn’t save the princess. She was raped and murdered by Bowser and his minions. The Mushroom Kingdom is now burning down to the ground and there is nothing you can do. Thank You. –Satan.”

I ripped the game out of the console looked at it for a few seconds. I taped the game to a plank of wood, brought it outside, took a stick of dynamite, lit it, and blew up the cartridge.

I was in a state of depression for a few weeks. I went to see a therapist. I didn’t tell anyone about my experience with the game, for I didn’t want to be sent to an insane asylum. Now, every night, my only dream is of the Mushroom Kingdom burning down as the cries of it’s citizens whisper “Why didn’t you save us?”