Super Mario 64 DS

I was one day playing my Super Mario 64 DS game on my DSI XL. I had to only get more 3 stars left to get the cannon outside opened up. When I got the last star, the game suddenly froze. I had not saved my game either, so, with great anger, I restarted my DSI XL. When I got to the file select screen, my file was gone. Curse you fucking pirated cartridges!!! So I went to go to a store. I went to Game Stop, because they sell nothing but freaking video games, and was a reliable source.

When I got to GameStop, I couldn't find a Super Mario 64 DS cart anywhere. I asked the cashier if he had any copies of the game. The cashier said no. I was mad, of course, but still there was hope. I next went to the local mall's game store, Babbage’s, but alas, saw there was no Super Mario 64 DS games on the shelf. I asked the cashier if they had any games left, he curtly said "None left." These were the only retail stores around me, so my only two other options were to; go to a flea market, or purchase the game online, and wait up to a month for it to be delivered. Needless to say, I chose the flea market. When I got to the flea market, I went to the video game section, and to my amazement I saw a copy of the game. Only it did not look quite right. It was a DS game cartridge with a simple yellow sticker on it, and it said “Super Mario 64 ds” written in black marker. I knew not to trust these things; they were mostly pirated copies, hacked to cause a gamer to go into suicide mode, or other weird shit. I was desperate though, so I bought it. The game cost only 5 dollars, so I got it, drove home, and popped that sucker in.

The game seemed normal at first, the mini games were all there. I noticed 2 files were already made, one had 120 stars, the other had 30 stars, which added up to the maximum amount of 150 stars. Ignoring that, I made a new file and started to play. The intro was the same, and the controls were as well. After that though, things began to get creepy. The first odd thing was that the normal castle music was not playing, and instead a continuous torrent of the Never-Ending Stairs theme played backwards and distorted, and sped up to 2x its normal speed. All of the doors except for; the character select door, Bobomb Battlefield, Whomp’s Fortress, and Bowser in the Dark World, were boarded up. The wall paper seemed to be ripping as well.

So I tried to talk to Toad, to figure out what the hell was going on. Toad’s face looked very forlorn and seemed as if he did not want to be in the castle. He said in big letters “Don’t rescue Mario.” I went to the Bobomb Battlefield door. The painting was the same except for one thing; The bombs had very realistic eyes. Their eyes were red and blood shot, as though the poor things hadn’t slept in days. The mission select came up; the mission select music played backwards, and was this time slowed down.

The first mission was not called “Big Bo-bomb on the Summit”. Instead, it was called in big letters “Do Not Select This “. I, figuring it was a joke, ignored it and continued playing. The map and layout seemed normal, and so did the enemies. Yoshi, however, had those same realistic eyes, and was covered in a small amount of blood; Things were going normal...until I collected my first coin. When I collected it, I heard a loud gunshot. I thought it was from outside, but I was wrong. It was from the game, and I saw a Goomba laying face down, dead, in a pool of blood, with a pistol lying by him. I was horrified, but something compelled me to continue playing. This went on every time a got a coin, so I stopped getting coins altogether. The music changed when I started climbing the mountain, it once again changed to the Never-Ending Stairs theme. It seemed louder than before, seemed to go faster, and was more distorted. When I got to the summit, the music got even louder.

When I got to Big Bo-bomb, he also had those same damn realistic eyes , just like all of the others, but his were also pulsating in a sick way. Instead of saying something normal like “I won't give you the star”, he said ” I will fucking murder you!” That caught me off guard and frightened me, but I was ready to defeat him. He ran a lot faster than before, and threw a lot more bombs. I have to admit, he was kicking my ass, but I managed to pull through and defeat him. After the battle, instead of him saying his usual "Ok, you won ", he said in big letters " Goddamn it ", then exploded in a shower of realistic blood, and Yoshi got soaked by it. The star also appeared bloody and looked cracked. When I got it, the game over music played instead of the victory theme.

When I returned to the castle, the wallpaper was peeling even more, and could definitely see blood on the walls. Toad was quivering and shaking in fear, and said “Please.....stop....the madness..." The music was still the Never-Ending Stair theme backwards, faster, and so fucking LOUD. Also the stars on the doors were replaced with skulls. I went into the character select room; I could select Mario, which was strange because you normally had to get 8 stars and beat a Boss Goomba bastard before you could select him. When Mario came out of the door, he did not do a flip in the air and take off his hat, as he does in the real game. Instead, he had no hat, and slowly stumbled towards you with his head down. He had no eyes, and his eye-sockets were bleeding. Plus, the Congratulation Music which was now playing was very distorted, and slowed down majorly.

After that madness, I got really scared, but still trudged on. I figured out that I could only get 2 stars in the whole fucking game, and that the ones I had gotten before were deleted. That was freaking weird, but whatever. The last star was in Whomp's Fortress. Instead of the mission being called “Chip Off Whomp’s Block”, it was called “murder the whomp king”. The title really freaked me out, but still I played, my curiosity fueling me. When I got to the map, everything was on fire. The trees, the enemies, everything. The sky was pitch black, and every time Mario got hurt by the fire, he screamed an ear-piercing wail of pain. It was so loud it felt that it could break your fucking ear drums. When I got to the Whomp King, he was coated in blood; he had those fucking eyes…those fucking realistic eyes. When I approached him he said “Mario....please......end my suffering...” I was confused, but then , what happened next was horrible...he gave Mario a shotgun...He said “end it for me”, and “shoot me Mario , please !” I was floored. I REALLY didn't want to do it... but I had to, to continue through the game. I aimed and fired into his back. He screamed very loudly, bleeding a lot more now. He then said: “Again Mario”. I felt horrible, but I shot him again, eager to just get this over with. This time, he screamed even louder, gushing blood now. He said weakly “One more time “. I was seriously about to turn it off, but I had to do this...I HAD to know what would happen after this scene, DAMN MY CURIOSITY! I shot him one last time, and that wat it. This time, blood exploded everywhere; his scream was so fucking loud, that I had to cover my ears. He spoke for the last time, saying “thank you” in a very loud, distorted voice. After he exploded, the star came. I got it, and then the game over music played again. I could finally face Bowser.

In the castle, Toad was dead. He had a knife plunged into his heart, his hands still on the blade; he had committed suicide. Looking out a window, everything outside of the castle was on fire; the castle walls falling apart. I went back to the Bowser door, and selected it. This was the only map that started out normal. When I got to Bowser, he had no eyes or mouth, and he looked very freaky indeed. Bowser said " Mario.....I have killed everyone......except for you.........now I will fucking kill you!” The battlefield was covered in corpses; Toads, Luigi, Wario, and even Peach. This changed into a cutscene where Bowser brutally tore Mario to pieces, blood, bones and guts flying everywhere. After this disgusting clip, the screen went black, then about 30 seconds later, I saw something horrible; it was a picture of a real dead person. After that, a screamer image came up, and emitted an ear-piercing scream. The DSI XL then turned off by itself. Thank God… it was finally fucking over. I could not take any more of this hellish game.

I took the cartridge out, and went back to the flea market. I demanded two things from the man who sold it to me; one was a refund, and the other was the name of the person who made this cartridge. "Who wants to scare little kids this fucking bad!?" I screamed at him, "Who made this awful game?" He did give me a refund, but did not know who made the game, and told me to see his boss for more info. The boss said he did not know either, so I have to give up after this for now. But someday I will find out who made the game, somehow. That game still gives me horrible nightmares. I don't play on my DS anymore. I learned a valuable lesson from this as well, to not buy video games from flea markets , you never know what could happen.