Whatever

This is an open letter to whatever. You are welcome to read it if you choose, but I don't expect it will make much sense to the casual viewer.

To: Whatever

Hello. If you do not already know, my name is Cameron. I assume you are probably well aware of this already, as you seem to know a lot about me. However, I want to make sure there is no confusion in the future. I do not really want to share said future with you, but you have made it abundantly clear that I do not have a choice in the matter.

Whatever. This is what I will call you, since though you probably knew my name from the start, I have never been privy to yours. I mean no disrespect in labeling you a "what" of any sort, much less "whatever" one, but from the brief glimpses I have caught of your full "body" it would seem you do not conform to the size and/or shape of any other thing I've come to know.

The purpose of this letter, should you choose or be able to read it, is to make a few simple requests. I hope this will not offend you in any way as that is not my intent. Look at these not as demands, but rather reasonable desires any human being like myself would wish to express.

This list should not be seen as ordered by importance, but rather I will go through these as they come to mind. Thank you for your time.

01.) Please let me know if you have received and/or read this letter. If you indicate that you have received this correspondence and your behavior does not change in any way, I will take that to mean you will not accommodate my requests.

02.) Please tell me your name, unless it is "unknowable" or would in some way cause me harm or distress. For example, if your name would kill me, I would prefer not to know it. Similarly, if it would cause pain or bleeding, again I would prefer not to know. If your name can never be uttered, or cannot be uttered until a certain date like "the end times", maybe we can come up with a nickname? I would love to be able to tell people about you without saying "whatever" or "that" or what have you.

03.) If you must flex your anemone-like facial tentacles, if that is indeed your face, please do so in such a way that does NOT cause hypnosis and/or "blackouts". I'm not saying that you are the direct cause of the ensuing distress, but I often regain consciousness in the midst of horrifying situations. I appear to have caused the majority of these situations, and if you could shed any light on this it would be appreciated.

04.) When you vocalize, please do not vocalize during midnight hours. Preferably, do not vocalize at all after sunset. If you MUST vocalize during the night, please do so in a softer tone, and please try to reduce the number of syllables. I don't know what you're saying, if anything, but I'm sure there must be some way to edit it down.

05.) Please do not breastfeed while I'm eating. I want to respect your privacy, but often I can catch sight of you in various reflective surfaces, even if you're in the next room. Again, I can only take wild guesses here, so if you are not in fact breastfeeding and/or these translucent beings are not truly children, accept my apologies though my complaint in general should stand. It's not so much the act itself that is distasteful to me, but rather the sight of their internal organs.

06.) Please tell or show me where the cat is.

07.) When I put something on a counter or in a cabinet, I intend for it to stay there. Salt and Pepper shakers do not belong in the bedroom, and my alarm clock does me no good in the basement. Even though I appreciate that you have taken the time to plug it in, I still cannot hear it there.

08.) Please do not shed your skin in the living room. I would prefer this be done outside, as I assume this is something you cannot help and is most likely a natural part of your existence. There is a large back yard with a 6" tall fence in all directions. You can leave your husks there and no one will bother you, I guarantee it.

09.) Please do not hum songs through the air ducts the moment I get them out of my head. The fact that you know the songs I have been thinking of is, for lack of a better term, interesting... however, once I've gotten rid of it I would prefer it stay gone. Additionally, it can be disquieting to hear the tones of "Yummy, Yummy, Yummy, I've got love in my tummy" quietly wafting from ventilation shafts.

10.) Do not contact me at work. I can tell that you want something, and that it is quite urgent, but calling or e-mailing me while I am at the office is pushing the boundaries of respectful behavior. Furthermore, I can't understand what you're saying and/or typing. I received your letter with the subject consisting of archaic pictograms, but Google Translate couldn't make heads or tails of it. In fact, I received an e-mail from Google's abuse department that simply said: "never again" in small, red letters. Perhaps this makes more sense to you than it did to me?

11.) I'm tired of stepping on miniature cars everywhere I go around the house, and I'm tired of cleaning up tiny blood spatter from the passengers.

12.) IF YOU ARE GOING TO PUT GLASSES ON ANY WOODEN SURFACE IN THE HOUSE, PLEASE USE A COASTER. I don't care what's in them; water, juice, or the viscous orange ooze that recoils from bleach. Use a coaster.

13.) Please do not use all the hot water before I've had my morning shower. This is especially annoying to me as you're not even using it for anything. In fact, I would appreciate if you would stop running the faucets all together since my water bill is sky high.

14.) Please choose a color that you wish to be, and please STAY that color for at least the duration of one hour. Your constant shifting from black to purple to green to black again can be disorienting, and when you create entirely new colors around the middle, it makes me feel sick to my stomach.

15.) You are not a member of my family. Please do not appear in family photos, and if you can, please remove yourself from the ones you've already joined in on. Also, Grandma Burty is not to be treated as such and I would very much hope you will not behave that way if you were to meet her in real life.

16.) I am not attracted to you. I am a human being who enjoys the company of other human beings. No amount of "presenting" will cause me to reconsider. Furthermore, I just got out of a five year relationship and would not entertain such advances from one of my own kind, anyway. Essentially, it's not you, it's me.

17.) Everyone is telling me that people are supposed to have thumbs. Everyone I know has thumbs. No matter how much I insist otherwise, they tell me that I too had thumbs. I'm not blaming you or anything, but this seems like something you might be involved in. I'm only basing this on your past behavior and mean no offense. It's entirely possible I'm correct and have never possessed them.

18.) I don't want you sleeping at the foot of the bed. I'm not sure if you even sleep, but whatever you're doing, it shouldn't be done there. I frequently find myself turning up the heat only to wake up with my head and chest sweating while my feet and legs are freezing. I am not exaggerating, the Doctor tells me you have given my feet frostbite. When I am asleep, I do not wish to be given deadly ailments. Please find another place to lay.

19.) When I am watching television, I would like you to stop changing the channel. Yes, your shows can be interesting. Yes, I sort of enjoy the voyeuristic thrill of seeing into my neighbors' homes onscreen. However, I do not like the fact that changing the channel or turning the set off causes them to vanish from existence. People are getting concerned and eventually I'll be the only one left. That will cause suspicion to fall directly on me, and where will you be if I'm taken away? Believe me when I tell you I am much more accommodating than any other housemate you'll find.

20.) You are not the President. You are not Elvis. Nor are you Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Gandhi, George Washington, or Martin Luther King Jr. YOU ARE NOT CHRISTOPHER WALKEN AND THAT'S CREEPING ME OUT ON ANOTHER LEVEL. We both know it, so please stop trying.

21.) In this house, we walk on the floor. Not the ceiling or the walls. You may not think you're leaving prints -- but you're leaving prints. It may also be considered a bit obnoxious as following my every step, upside down, above my head, is very distracting. The drool, or what I assume to be drool, does not help the situation.

22.) Do not wear my clothes. I'm tired of finding things stretched or shredded, and discovering your little "mementos" in my pockets can be tiring. If you want clothes, you can make some out of your old skins. I don't know why you're saving them if not for some future purpose.

23.) Stay out of my e-mail and social networking profiles. Do not create social networking profiles with my name or image. I am not entirely sure I want you using these technologies in the first place, but I really draw the line at attempting to lure persons to my house under my moniker or likeness. Furthermore you will not find much success in shout-typing "UULUUUU-GAAAAAA... UULUUUU-GAAAAAAAAAA..." at them.

24.) Do not throw things at me. Anything. Ever. I know what your response may be to this, but I must repeat - anything. Even pillows and stuffed animals. This is not exclusive to power tools and dishes. In the same vein, I am not a garbage can and do not appreciate waking up covered in neighborhood refuse.

25.) Finally, and this is the most important point, I do not, nor have I ever enjoyed your scavenger hunts. I know you have put a lot of time and effort into these games, and your hiding places are indeed quite clever, but I do not want to play anymore. The first time you did this, unannounced I might add, I was sure I would quickly die without my major organs. The fact that I persisted in living did little to calm my nerves despite what you may have expected. Yes, you were kind enough to give me a first "clue" and point out where my liver had been concealed, but beyond that I found the whole exercise to be quite cruel. I have not warmed to the concept in following rounds of play and I hereby request this form of play be retired permanently.

So there you have it, whatever. I really hope I haven't hurt your feelings, and I hope that assuming you have feelings does not somehow otherwise offend you. In truth, I MIGHT come to accept your residence in my home. It's not ALL bad. For example, the silver nuggets you have been consistently producing are quite helpful when it comes time to pay the bills. However, as I mentioned if the water bill was a bit lower, maybe we would have more money on hand for more enjoyable things.

I hope that we can at least meet halfway on some of these issues. If you can communicate in any way I might understand, I would love to discuss the possibilities with you.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely, Cameron

PS. Really though if nothing else I'd at LEAST like the cat returned.