Call Of Duty: Black Cocks

I was at a carboot sale the other day when I saw my bald friend Johnny running one of the stalls, I asked him if he had any games in stock and he looked and pulled out a game, I was delighted when I saw that this game was none other than Black Ops as my last copy stopped working and I haven't played it in years, as soon as I saw the box art I was overwhelmed with nostalgia. I then noticed something off about the box art as instead of saying Call of Duty: Black Ops it said Call of Duty: Blacked Ops, and the character on the box had his mouth wide open with a strange white fluid dripping out from it and his eyes were up in his head, it was crudely drawn so I had presumed that someone had messed with it with a pencil or something, so I went back home, when I got home I took out the disc and it was just a blank disc that said "Blacked Ops". I then put the game in my PS3 and I went to start up the game and I left it on the screen to start up the game for a few seconds and it showed the same thing that was on the box. I then started the game and what I saw next was horrifying.....

It didn't show the start up screen with the company logos or the main menu, instead it went straight to a level where you are on your knees surrounded by a bunch of men, I never seen this level before, but I just presumed that it was a secret level I never unlocked back in the day, I looked around and noticed a bottle of lotion on a table and one of the men said "we'll use that.... later", I then looked around some more and saw that one of the men was Reznov, as soon as I looked at him he ran at me and asked me about "the numbers", as soon as he did this the screen slowly got filled with the number "69", instead of the normal numbers that show up during the numbers sequences, after this it showed the start up screen, but instead of saying "Activision" it said "Cocktivision" and instead of "Treyarch" it said "Three Way", after this it went to the start menu and I saw that image from the box art again, but this time it was hyper realistic, I pressed start and it got to the main menu, but instead of being tied up to a chair I was chained up, I left it for a few minutes and my bald friend who sold me this monstrosity came along and the camera panned towards him and I heard my character say "let me out of this dungeon Mr Sins!", I was shocked, how did this game know my friends second name? I left it for 5 minutes and then I heard him moaning off screen and then the door opened and he walked in, naked, with a whip, he then put a blindfold around my characters eyes and I heard the crack of a whip and my character screaming "Yes! Yes! Whip me harder, I deserve it, I've been baaaaad!!!" after this surreal moment my blindfold was removed and he left the room, it then went back to the normal game, so I selected the story mode and I got to the screen where select the difficulty, I went with Recruit, but in this version it was called Recunt, which I thought was odd. It then started on the first mission, where you have to attempt to assassinate Castro, the mission was perfectly normal, but instead of having a knife I had a vibrator, and whenever I shot an enemy the blood was white instead of red, kind of like the strange white fluid on the box art, and instead of making death noises when they died they made grunting and moaning sounds. I got to the prison level, but it was different I was in the prison shower and I dropped my soap and then my character bent over to pick it up, but as he did that two men came up behind him and the screen cut to black. After this it was in third person and I was limping around. I decided to play                          multiplayer afterwards and there was only one mode, tag team, one map, Bukkake Town and instead of the option for "bots" it was "sex bots". I then noticed that this map was basically normal Nuke Town, but the mannequins were in various sex positions. After this match I decided to look through the menus and I noticed that instead of levels, there was something called "inches", I noticed that I was only on 1 inch, but then I noticed that you could prestige at level 12 or rather inch 12, which I thought was odd, but instead of being called prestige it was called professional.

This is a warning, if you ever come across a version of Black Ops called Blacked Ops ignore it, don't ever play and don't ever buy it, it is cursed, this is a warning.