***First off I do mean Feeling and not Filling, I am using this as a play on words. Also a warning, half of this is based on true events. The videos and websites listed in this are real and shouldn't be visited unless you know what you’re getting yourself into. With that said, I hope you enjoy.***

Have you ever lost someone close to you—well rather I should ask, have you lost a parent? If so there are set of emotions that they say that most people feel, but most often anger is the biggest emotion. When I lost my father I wasn't angry with him, I knew he wouldn't have died if he had a choice. So without that anger to fill the hole that is left behind after such a loss, I let myself fall into addictions. Not drugs or anything like that, no stupid things like playing tons of World of Warcraft, even though I hated the damn game. I went as far as playing a game that simulated brain surgery, in a very realistic manner, to try dull the pain—seeing that he died from a stroke. No, after a while all those things didn't help. It was bad enough that when we pulled the plug, I hadn't spoken to my father for a month due to the coma.

It was worse watching him die. His skin changed from that of a living human to that horrid bluish green. Knowing that his lungs no longer worked and yet his heart kept beating for twenty minutes after the plug was pulled. Even now thinking of it I get so sick and empty feeling. So I needed something stronger to help and I was still not turning to drugs—maybe that would have been the better course of action.

So one day a friend on Facebook sent me a link and told me try not to vomit watching it. I watched it and it gagged. It was another shit video like Two Girls One Cup, which I had seen before and didn't get stick. But this, oh god, this was just wrong. But after I stopped watching it I realized something, I wasn't thinking of my dad being dead while I watched it. So I sat out to watch more shocking videos. Asking my wife what videos she had heard of and watching them, Mister Hands, Kids in the Sandbox and One Guy One Jar. They were shocking but not shocking enough and that's when I decided to set out looking on the forums of these sites to find a really shocking video. Every site talked about this video called Three Guys One Hammer, yet none of them said what it was about. So I sat out to find it.

After about twenty minutes of searching I found a site that had a working video of it. What was weird was this took place in the woods, near a road, you could hear the cars passing. I was expecting some weird sex act like I had seen before in all the others, but this was something I hadn't seen yet. There was only two people on the screen, I guess the third guy was the one holding the cellphone this thing was being filmed on. One screen one guy walked back and forth and would yell and the other guy was on the ground under a log. Without warning the standing man pulls a hammer out and starts bashing the guy on the ground in the head. Each hit sounding wet and solid at the same time. I knew right away this had to be fake—at least I thought that until they went on to stabbing the guy with a screw driver. No, this wasn't fake, the man on the ground bolting up and crying out in pain, his face smashed and bloody. Then someone hits him again, but he won’t go back down this time, so they jam the screwdriver into his eye and start twisting it in every direction. The man crying out, and then dies. The two then quickly run to their car, which was parked by the road. They did this right off the road and then start washing off their tools of murder with water. The video stops.

I kept fighting the feeling that I had just watched a man be murdered, so I started doing research. After hours I came to find out that the man they had killed was on his way home from the doctor, the kids that had killed him had done this to at least twenty other people and they had a third person who quit helping them right before filming this guy. They would then go to the graves of the people they killed and piss on them, taking pictures and filming themselves all the while. So it was real, this happened in or around Russia and I just watched it. I needed more.

So I watched the video over and over before I saw the name of the hosting site, So I checked out what else they had, picture galleries of dead people, some I had seen before early on in my life.

Who hasn't in their teen years look for crime scenes photos? I needed more than just still images; that's when I came to the video section of the site. What I saw was insane, murders, suicides and accidents. I grew fond of the accidents; they seemed to be the goriest. Have you ever watched a person have about a ton of lumber dropped on them? What about the looks of the family as they pull the lumber off? No here I found out how Faces of Death was fake, how if you're in some sort of accident people will not fucking help you, and the people who gather around you will film you and post it to the web.

Every video had been filmed by people who had just happened to be sick fucks much like myself. Smashed heads became boring fast, I mean really seeing someone’s brains spilled on the pavement wasn't fun—what was fun was the ones that still had a head intact and their limbs missing. Did you know that you could be ripped in half and still live? There's a video of this cop in Vietnam who was hit by a dirt truck, ripped him in half and he was still alive, pulling at his flaps of skin at the base of his torso. His legs were laying next to him. He looked more pissed about this then in pain. What a bad ass.

It seemed like after that, lots of videos came in with people ripped in half from being hit by vehicles and still living. Legs lying next to them, some even had their arms ripped from their bodies and somehow still alive. One was this girl who was riding her bike home and got pulled into the back wheel of a semi. She didn't get just turn in half, no, her lower half was wrapped around the wheel like a string and she had been dragged over thirty feet. People at this place was nice, they let her call her family to tell them good bye. She fought for life so long that she died at the hospital.

Just like everything before my mind started going back to thinking of my father, now not only was I depressed again, I had all these faces of the dead and dying in my mind. Every night they would talk to me in my dreams and give my false hope my father wasn't dead. I just couldn't handle it, so I cut my little toe off. I cooked it and ate it. It only seemed right and it kept the dreams and thoughts away for a few days. It was hard hiding this from my wife, so I smashed her head in with a rock while she was sleeping. I still slept with her, despite the fact she was so cold. Only problem is she was the one that earned money. So the phones got cut off. I didn't care I was working on something and I had already removed my right leg up to the knee. I didn't give time to cook it before I started eating. It was weird, in my mind I was just moving body parts around. I mean they never left my body and when they did I just feed again.

I had both legs removed by the time our rent was overdue and the owners came looking for payment. She walked in on me sucking the marrow from my tibia. I just smiled and held the bone out and offered her some—not thinking how I would get the lost bits back. Soon the cops came, every one of them vomiting when they saw the mess I was in. IT also could have been the smell of my wife; at this point I was no longer able to pull myself up into bed with her—so I hadn't seen her in a few weeks. One cop acted so disgusted with me; he took his gun wacked me good acrcss the face. One of my teeth fell out on the ground; I quickly grabbed it and swallowed it.

“Don't want to let it go to waste.” I said to him with a smile on my face, which made me feel like a little kid.

That childlike feeling made me think of my dad. Looking around at myself, blood everywhere, flies and bits of meat—my meat; who would help me fix this? I wanted my dad, I started crying and I didn't stop as they loaded me into the ambulance. At my trail I begged them to find me guilty to give me the injection. All that did was make them think I was even more insane then what they already thought. The fuckers locked me away in a padded room. During the first week I had chewed my left arm almost all the way off. I just couldn't break the bone with my teeth. So now I am in a straight jacket and strapped to bed. All I can do is cry as my father’s lifeless face just dances around my mind.