I'm not going to tell you I'm not crazy, because I can't convince myself I'm not. The reason I'm writing this and trying to share what I know isn't because you need to know. It's because if I don't write this down and I don't tell anyone out there what I know, I'm going to fade away. My name is Kate Walker and I'm a student of psychology at the university of Utah. This isn't a story about me or what I do, but it's best that I start that I study there and it kind of began my dilemma.
About three semesters into my study, I came across a research paper from a Swedish doctor named Joaquin Keller about how the unseen affects our brains more than what our visual stimulus can. It was theoretical as can be, and at times felt like a starbucks-written conjecture, but it raised some questions in my mind. I asked my professor about it and he seemed to lose color in his face, as if he saw a masked murderer about to strike someone with an axe.
He told me to see him in his office during lunch hours to talk about this. I was puzzled at his reaction and asked curiously, "Why not just talk about it after lunch or on Skype later?" and his response still gives me chills. He got up close to me and whispered with purpose, "Because if they hear me talking about it i'll disappear. They aren't forgiving, and they won't be. Just meet me then and don't talk to me until then. If you understand me, walk away."
I backed away and walked with a quickening pace out of the lecture hall and into the parking lot. Questions were piling upon questions and I wasn't going to risk something with the professor who I'll owe my doctorate.
I sighed and tried to calm down and work out what he told me. He never acted so cryptically or solemnly about anything up to that point. He was usually jovial and had the air of a middle aged comedian than a paranoid treasonist. Who were "they" and why did the mention of that paper spook him like that? obviously I intended to be there during my lunch period.
I showed up at 12 PM sharp during the general campus lunch hour in order to get a little more understanding. He wasn't there when I entered so I decided to wait around a bit. I looked at his positive emotional posters, his jokingly witty post-it notes on a wooden board tacked to the wall, and several joyous family photos of his wife and two children. Typical office materials in the corners and atop the desk, though I noticed something was off about it.
There were several disordered pens that were flung about and clashed horribly with the neatly stacked and filed papers and materials around them. I also noticed that the chair wasn't pushed under the desk as per usual. Under one of the uncapped pens was a small post-it note pad with the word "corner" hastily written on its upper left hand, which made me think he was writing a joke or something unfinished and was called out to something before he could tidy up.
Fifteen minutes into waiting I started to suspect something was off. I took a gander at his desk again and decided to look at his computer monitor, as I hoped to find something like a schedule open in some obligatory window or maybe some clue to why he didn't show up. What I found was a word document with some text that I haven't remembered word for word, but was about two paragraphs that seemed directed to me. I'll try to write it as best I can remember.
"Hello, Katelyn. If you're reading this, then I couldn't be here. I'm sorry, but I hope you can find this. They probably found out I was going to tell you about the fundamental aversion theory and what its about, and I guess they missed this haha. Anyhow, "they" are administrators of a guild of philosophical purists called "the seers" who believe that they can see the world outside of our eyes' abilities.
Their ideas connect to the idea of aversion theory which is a branch from the many world's theory if you've ever heard of that (which you should have if you have been paying attention in theoretical physics, which I know I never did). The idea is that every quantum state, or arrangement of particles in any selective three dimensional space can change when its not observed into any and every state.
Basically, it means if you aren't seeing it, it can be anything. If you are looking at the screen right now and blink, it could be a carrot during the time your eyes are closed and return to a computer when your eyes open. It sounds ridiculous, but it's the philosophy the seers go off of, and it can't really be disproven without observation, which makes it a paradoxical thing.
Anyway, the seers think they see the changes that happen when things aren't observed. They have ties to a lot of higher up people such as politicians and deans who support their ideals. I can't rightly tell you who, but someone involved with this school has a tie in with them. They are incredibly dangerous people and I want you to know that they are not kind. Just try and focus on your studies and forget the"
That was what I remember reading. It cuts off mid-sentence and it basically tells me that there's an organization called the seers who have backdoor access to society and believe in some strange physical theory about observation. I got up from his computer and walked to the secretarial desk. I asked where professor Martin was and she said he was still in his office as far as she knew. I walked out with more questions than I knew how to deal with. I sat down in my car and stared at the dashboard with swimming thoughts of conspiracy and physics.
I didn't know what to think of anything. The thought of things being different when they weren't observed, why he would write out things for me just in case, and why there would be a group like the seers. The first thing I did when I got back to my dorm was google the seers. Apparently, they were a group started by several different people of different creeds and ages in the 1950's who studied the idea of aversion theory and shutting off sensory input in order to gain enlightenment.
It seemed pretty arbitrary until I read the part about what the experienced see. They are said to see every horror, every outcome, every joy, every single possibility happening all at once before them when they are alone. They mentioned that the way members are told to begin their ascension is to use corners in their homes. They were told that behind the corner is what they most desired in life and when they could see it they would be admitted to a ranked member. The website and everything seemed fairly basic and normal. I just decided to think of them as a kind of masonsesque group and leave it off of my mind.
The next day is when everything set in. My morning psychology lecture was cancelled and nobody had any idea where professor martin was. No notes, no calls, no word from anyone. I felt at fault for some reason, as if I was the one who caused his disappearance by bringing up an accidental forbidden theory. But if it was so forbidden, why did they have a website? Was there something he was trying to tell me about them that wasn't supposed to be told? He seemed like he knew he would probably disappear because of what I said.
I drove back to the dorm and that moment. That moment I had my first flash. My head hurts thinking about it. What I mean by this is complicated to explain, but it was a moment where I blinked and I saw lights that weren't there in my line of sight to cause the lights in my shut eyes. I saw a flash of things that weren't there before. The image I saw was blurred but it had a human like image in it standing in the middle of the road and it looked like it was staring at me from where the dashboard was in my line of sight.
When I experienced the flash, I started panicking and pulled over. The thoughts and feelings over the day before and the thought that it might have changed things for me started to give me a panic attack. I sobbed on the wheel as cars passed me by.
I went back to the dorm and laid down in bed. Tears ran down my face and I stared at the edge of my open door for a while. I was learning psychological control and conditioning and yet I can't handle something like suggestion and conspiracy. I felt like I was a failure. The lintel that lead around the corner into the hall that I stared at became blurry through the tears in my eyes.
For a second, I thought I saw a grey object between the space around the corner and within the corner itself. Blinking would cause it to go away, but I couldn't help but noticing it happening every few seconds. When I dried my eyes finally and tried to get things done, I couldn't stop thinking about this group and what they had to do with all this.
I decided to email the address the site I came across provided about the occurrences that were going on. I didn't expect them to read my message or respond, but again, I like to get things out there and feel like i'm connecting dots. What I received back is what haunts me. Its the reason I can't think clearly anymore.
"You saw us on the street today. I saw you crying in your car. You began to see me in the hallway just moments ago. I am interested in you Katelyn. Please join me."
I didn't say anything about crying in the car or seeing any flashes in the email. There was no way they could know this. After reading it I climbed into bed and held my legs to my chest and tried my hardest to comfort myself. I kept my eyes locked on that corner leading to the hallway. The longer I kept my eyes on it without blinking, the more the line separating the back of the hall and the doorway became unclear and blurred.
I would imagine that there was someone standing there waiting to watch me and get close to me. To hover above me and do whatever they liked to me while I laid defenseless. It was at this moment I blinked and had my second flash. I saw a clear image of a human form holding a square object resembling a cigar box all in white silhouette within my blinking vision. I screamed for whatever it was to leave me and let me live my life.
I fought myself mentally over whether or not this was all a suggested hallucination or if it were real. The email and my professor's disappearance are what I have to tell myself that it is real. But how do I even know my own perspective is real?
I'll end it here, because I can't further this. I deleted the email, I resigned from my classes for this semester and i'm receiving flashes every couple blinks. Its always him. Its always this silhouette man that holds and interacts with different things. When I sleep and dream, he interrupts my dreams. I'll see him in full form with his large sunken eyes and his skinny naked form beckoning me to join him in the unseen world.
He doesn't talk. He sends words and thoughts directly into my mind. I see his form in the corners of my eyes, around corners where he slowly moves into view, in the corners of rooms for split seconds. Always the corners. I can't think clearly most of the time. This took four days to write.
I keep seeing him while writing. Please make it stop. I feel trapped and cornered by this being. I feel like i'm not allowed to be myself anymore. I'm finding myself considering joining him. Joining the seers' world and forgetting everything. Please, someone out there, help me.