The mind. A scary place when you think about it really. Then again, thoughts are also scary. You never know how your mind will twist them. Be them the most innocent or the most depraved. The mind is a monster within one's self. And it is in moments of silence does one give pause from life to listen to the voice of this monster and its incessant ramblings. Such is the moment I’m having at this very time. Complete and utter silence is my company and the monster of my mind is using it to let its voice be heard. It tells me to contemplate myself, to reflect on how just things have happened to bring me to this point ... and I listened.
I think all my troubles began with my birth. I was born to keep my parents failing marriage together. I know, a stupid idea, but I had no say in being born. I eventually failed this mission at age 8 when they were divorced. And everyday after that, I walked the earth without purpose or reason. Like a puddle of water, I had no meaning and went along with whatever happened with life because I had no other choices to pick from. School days were my most hated time. I had no friends. I had no one. Even my family couldn't say my name without messing it you or calling me someone else. I don't why it was like this. I was such a good girl. I tried so hard to be liked. To be loved. To make friends. To be seen. But in the end, I failed to do that too. I was always alone. But worse still was when I was labeled a freak ... then the real shit hit the proverbial fan. Day in and day out. Insults hit me harder than any physical blow could.
“Freak. Weirdo. Loser. Bitch. Monster. Worthless. Useless. Beast. Weakling. Demon. Pussy. Devil. Ugly. Slut. Hoe. Asshole. Stupid. A waste. No one will ever like you. Why don't you just die? Go back to hell where you belong you FREAK!”
Freak...How I HATE that word. I want to wring someone's neck just thinking about it ... too bad no one's home yet. But I digress. That word ... they called me that word for no real reason other than I was different. I looked different. I sounded different. I acted different. And that made me a freak to all around me. Why? Why was this how I had to live? Why couldn't anyone see me for who I was and not what they judged me to be? It was like the real me was invisible to all. Even my family couldn't see the real me. Was this truly how my life was to forever be? A sad and lonely useless existence without care or meaning? How could one live like that? Well ... somehow I did. After accepting and getting used to relying only myself, I became numb to the need of others. It's not everyday you'd see a kid inside their room than outside in the warmth of the sun's light. But that was me. The shadow in the darkness. I rejected what I was always denied. Fuck it! If this was my world, I’d make it mine, and to hell with anyone who told me otherwise.
“This isn't healthy for you. You need to go outside. Why don't you go meet others? You need friends. Let's make you look more like a girl. You need a boy, you know that? I feel so sorry for you. You're really missing out on life. Don't you want to be happy Lynsie?”
Honestly, I have no idea how I managed not to kill them after hearing all this shit. I'm still surprised I haven't killed them...yet. But I just ignored their pointless words. They didn't help me when I needed it, why the hell would I listen to them now? This went on for years. I became the dark girl or a forsaken life, and I loved it. No one bothered me after I embraced the fear others saw in me. It was fun to scare people and creep them out with me just being myself. I loved the darkness, and the darkness loved me back ... but then my world was disturbed. My mother had the less than brilliant idea of setting me up with a guy. A guy named Robert. I was as one would think, less than pleased with such a surprise. But just to shut them all up, I agreed to hang out with him. I often think of what my life would be if I had said no. Then I remember how damn persistent they were and know I would end up saying yes anyway. Man, I was weak back then ... lame.
Rob was okay in the beginning. We got along, which isn't easy. But he was cool. Had a couple things in common, that sort of shit. And for a bit, I thought I found a friend. A real one. Not just a voice in my head or picture from my imagination, but a real living friend. A light in the darkness ... How fucking wrong I was. Rob had other intentions aside from friendship. The guy became infatuated with me. Most girls would kill for a guy like that, but not me. To me, it was pathetic. He was a puppy that wanted to please in any way ... including one I wanted nothing to do with. The guy was horny. If I hugged him too long, boner, that sort of thing. Thank god he was the type of puppy that was clipped and wouldn't dare hump unless told to ... which was NEVER!!! It didn't help when I got stuck moving in with him. Family split up, everyone went their separate ways, and I got stuck with Rob. I figured I’d be stuck in this situation forever till ...
“I was thinking we could go to that botanical garden this weekend.”
“I'm not big on flowers. You know that.”
“I know. But I figured we could do something new. You know?”
“I'd rather not. Can't we say we did and really don't?”
“Come on Lynzel. It'll be fun.”
“Maybe for you. But I just don't think it would be-...” (CRASH)
Out of all the things life could've thrown at me to change my life, it had to pick a near fatal car crash. When I woke up in the hospital, I was alone again. Turns out fate likes me alone. It likes me in the darkness, without any light. But I was okay with it. I always was better off alone. But that's when I learned fate wasn't done with me yet.
At one of my weakest moments, when I'd let my guard down and was okay with how things were, life smacked me hard. A man. A random stranger who I never knew. He was rude to me for no reason. I could take that. But then ... then he called me that word ... that horrible word ... he called me ... FREAK! That's when, I'll admit, I snapped. I couldn't let him get away with calling me that word. I let too many others get away with calling me that. No more. Now, there would punishment for wronging me. I had to make him pay. He had to die! I followed him home.
I waited till it was night. I broke into his home when I was sure he was asleep. I watched him in his bed till he woke up and then gutted him with my own bare hands. There was so much blood. So much pain...It was so beautiful. I never would've thought it would feel so good! To end another's life. To watch the life fade from the eyes of a person. The soul leaving the body type thing. It felt so natural. It was so fucking EPIC!!! I had to do it again! I was hooked. Death was my drug, and I wanted more. More blood. More screams. More violence. More pain. More suffering. More death. More fun. And I’ve been killing ever since. Which leads me to now.
The date, I think it's somewhere in October, but I didn't miss Halloween. I know that much. And I’m in the closet of a man who will be my newest victim, waiting for him to come home. Now this man isn't the same as most of the assholes I kill. This guy falls into the other pile known as 'scumbags that must be dealt with'. This guy has a bad reputation that, I on several occasions have seen, would be true. It's a bit of a shame though. This man is rather handsome. A waste of a pretty face to be honest. I might have regretted deciding to kill him if it weren't for what he does. He is what one would call a total douche. When I go to the bar in this town, I can't help but notice him. He treats women like a man treats his dog. He uses his looks like a slut uses huge tits. Bastard even tried to hit on me one night, invited me back to his place for a nightcap. I turned him down, but only after getting the info I needed to find him. And here I wait. Waiting for the loose Romeo to come home to bloody Mary.
~the front door handle jiggles as it is unlocked~
He's here now. Probably with some skank that he managed to charm. He hardly ever comes home alone from what I've heard and seen. Hmmm...I think I know a way to make this night a lot more interesting.
“MAN MURDERED IN MONSTEROUS MAULING!”
Local woman, Jennifer Halls age 29, has been arrested for the brutal death of Zachary Cullen.
The 32 year old man was found strung up in the bedroom of his New Orleans home by his own intestines in a sick and utterly disturbing manner on 10-13-2011.
Evidence points to Jennifer, as officers found her DNA and eyewitnesses report her as the last one to been seen with victim alive.
The motive has yet to be fully understood, but the main theory is blackmail over the affair Jennifer was having with the victim.
If found guilty, the woman is facing a sentence of 15 years to life for manslaughter, as the killing matches a series of killings that stretch across the country.
We'll have more details as the case and story develop.
Aww ... did I do that? Ha! I can't help but laugh at this. I have no regrets about this. I won't stop. I have no reason to stop. Until I am finally ended, my fate and fun shall continue with me. So as I must with all my moments, I feel I must utter my mantra, if one can call it such ... CAN YOU SEE ME NOW?!