A while back, about a year ago, my brother and I were spending some time together. As usual, we were searching for video games on the internet, when we came across two game at once: Used Pokémon Diamond and used Sonic Classic Collection.

They were cheap, too. Naturally we bought them with our allowance. Once they came, we decided that he would get Classic Collection and I would get Diamond until I beat it, because I had beaten my Pokémon Pearl three times, one for each starter.

I started it up, but I was disappointed. The title screen said "Cursed Diamond" and Dialga was colored black. The game was hacked. It was too bad. I wanted to see the difference between Diamond and Pearl. Then I remembered that I'm a hack hunter. Prepared with a Coke and a Pop tart (don't judge me), I was ready to dive into "Pokemon Cursed Diamond."

There was a save game file, but he had no gym badges, and his Pokédex was 2, so I decided to start over. When I pressed New Game, I was surprised that there was no message informing me I couldn't save. And it skipped over Prof. Rowan's text, too. I waited about a minute, then a text box appeared.

???: ...

???: What... what is your name?

At this point I realized this was nothing like the "Pokemon Sturdy Gold" hack I had experienced before. I named my character Dia, after the character from Pokemon Special. My character appeared on the screen. He looked... darker. Darker than before. His hat and Jacket were black, eyes, shirt and pants crimson... he was staring at me, smirking. With crimson eyes... it made me scared of what would happen next. I braced myself, took a sip of my soda, and pressed A.

???: So... you are Dia...

I was wondering what would happen next. Would “???” show itself to me?

???: Do you think Tsunamis, Earthquakes, or Volcanoes are more destructive?

This confused me. I thought they were all pretty destructive. I chose Volcanoes for the heck of it. A new text box appeared:

Give a nickname to the Infernape you received?

I had an Infernape? I liked Torterra more but, OK. I selected "yes" because I loved nicknaming my Pokemon, but a new text box appeared:

???: No. This Pokemon is a tool. Use it, and be done.

Oh, real original kid. That line is from Tarnished Gold. Well... I pressed A. My overworld sprite appeared.

???: Come here.

I didn't want to, but when I tried to move backwards, left or right....

???: No.

I was forced to move forward. I was going to ask my brother to come take a look at the gameplay, so he could decide if he would still want the game when I was done, but I remembered that he was at his friend's house. I let out a sigh, and moved Dia forwards. Dia walked for about three minutes, then I saw a patch of grass.

???: Your destiny awaits.

My destiny? What did that mean? No matter. I walked into the grass. What happened surprised me. Familiar battle music started playing. Kettle drums...

Wild Arceus appeared

Oh... my... freaking... Arceus...

I was shocked. It was level 100. Then, I sent out my Pokemon. Infernape, level 100. I selected Fight, but...

Infernape used Blast Burn.

Ok... I didn't even select an attack. But I didn't care. It lowered Arceus's HP into the Red zone. I was pondering Infernape's power, but then I noticed the next text box.

Arceus is to afraid to move!

I remembered a similar line from Pokemon Red, in Pokemon Tower. Why was it afraid? I didn't even bother to find out. I pressed Fight again.

???: No.

OK... was I supposed to Run?

???: No.

Did I have another Pokemon I was supposed to fight with?

???: No.

That just left the bag. I pressed it, half expecting "???" to say "no" again, but instead...

Dia used the Master Ball.

I HAD A MASTER BALL?!! It shook three times and clicked.

Dia obtained an Arceus.

I obtained an Arceus? I thought that it was supposed to say "Gotcha! Arceus was caught!" Screw me. It's a hack. Why did I even think that?

???: Congrats. You have the most powerful tool there is. Now... go retrieve what you lost all that time ago.

I lost something? An odd looking tower appeared. Dia walked in, even though I didn't direct him to. He walked up the stair cases to about the third floor, like a cut scene. I realized that this was Pokemon Tower. Dia stopped in front of a tomb stone.

???: Do it. Do it now. Retrieve your lost past.

I think I knew what he meant. But I was afraid of what might happen. But I was too far into the game to back down now. I went into my party and selected Arceus. Summary, Item, Switch, and... in the same place an HM attack would be, Revive. Something tells me this person read Strangled Red. I selected "Revive" and the screen went white. It then went to black. My over world sprite appeared again. The next text box surprised me.

Dia: Come back and be mine once again!

A new battle started. I wasn't even in any grass, let alone moved.

Wild Kyurem appeared.

Kyurem came out in the next generation though, right? I imagined the sprite was hacked in. But... the Kyurem was different. It was all bloody, with a somewhat zombie-like appearance. A new text box appeared:

Kyurem: I... have... returned...

Dia: Kyurem...

Woah, Zombie Kyurem! Awesome! I sent out Infernape again. I selected fight, exited to see Zombie Kyurem's attacks.

Dia: No, Infernape! Don't hurt him!

What? What am I supposed to do? I pressed my Pokemon, although I was pretty sure Dia wouldn't let Arceus attack either.

Dia: Arceus served it's purpose. Retrieve my lost past!

I didn't even bother trying to run. I knew Dia probably wouldn't let me, so I hit bag.

Dia returned Kyurem to it's Pokéball.

It did the catch Pokemon animation with a regular Pokéball. It clicked, and without a new text box, the battle scene faded to black. My overworld sprite appeared again.

???: You have your tools, you have your past. Now go. But remember what you promised me.

Dia: Of course. Kyurem may not be the same, but he is back with me now. Thank you.

The screen went white, and then Dia appeared in a room, which appeared to be the house in Johto from HG/SS. What? Must be hacked in. I checked the PC to look for the note from Lyra/Ethan, but it appeared to be a regular PC when I turned it on. Someone's PC, Dia's PC, you know, the regular stuff. I checked Bill's PC just for the heck of it. This was a hack. I needed to check everything.

Accessed Bill's storage system.

I selected deposit.

Dia: Infernape, Arceus, and Kyurem must stay.

Guess I can't deposit until I get something new. I pressed move, to see where that would get me, and surprisingly, there was a Pokemon in the first slot of Box 1.

Dia: What's this?

The Pokemon appeared to be a Sceptile. Also level 100. I withdrew it. I decided to look at the stats of my party. I didn't know any of their attacks besides Infernape's Blast Burn.

Almost all of them had pretty normal learn sets. Infernape knew Blast Burn, Shadow Claw, Close Combat and Flare Blitz and had Blaze ability. Arceus knew Hidden Power, Cosmic Power, Extreme Speed and Hyper Beam and had Multitype ability. Sceptile knew X-Scissor, Leaf Blade, Leaf Storm, and Frenzy Plant and had Overgrow ability. But Kyurem... Perish Song, Pain Split, Dark Void, and Sheer Cold and had Bad Dreams ability. Somebody did their research. Hacked Zombie Kyrem was awesome! I went down the stairs, still the HGSS house. I walked out. This wasn't Sinnoh, it was Johto!

Prof. Elm: You're here! Dia!

Dia: Professor Elm!

Prof. Elm walked up to Dia and said some stuff I don't remember, then gave him a Pokédex. Then asked me a weird question.

Prof. Elm: I forgot, what is your girlfriend's name?

I figured he meant Lucas's female counterpart, Dawn.

Dia: S-She's not my girlfriend!

Prof. Elm: OK OK... but what was her name?

I named her Platz, once again after a Pokédex Holder.

Prof. Elm: Oh, that's right! Thank you Dia! Now I'll be on my way.

So far this didn't look so bad to me. The kid's Kyurem died, and a mysterious person gave him an Infernape and an Arceus and brought the Kyurem back to life and now the kid has to do something for the person. BIG WHOOP. Seemed like a pretty average hack so far. (mind you, I'm not doing this all from memory. I have the game here right now, so most of this text should be accurate) I continued to play the game.

???: Dia! You're here!

Oh boy. The return of ???. Oddly enough, Dawn's over world sprite walked up to me. Well... with the same recolors as me.

Dia: Platz!!

Platz: Hi Dia! Did you get my present?

Dia: Sceptile? Of course!

Platz: That's great! Oh, and there's one other thing, here!

Dia obtained six Master Balls.

Dia obtained six Max Potions.

Dia obtained six Max Revives.

Dia obtained a Dark Plate.

Woah. She's prepared. Wait... doesn't that last thing change Arceus's type?

Dia: How did you know I have an Arceus.

Platz: Ah... woman’s intuition. Hey... how about a practice battle? It'll be good for us!

Now I'm pretty sure she's trying to change the subject. It gave me yes or no options, and I selected no, because I wanted to keep going.

Platz: Come on, please Dia?

This time I hit yes.

Platz: Yay!

A battle started, but it said:

Rival Platz would like to battle.

Rival? What about Barry? Well, she had four Pokemon just like me. She sent out Empoleon. I sent out Infernape. I kept using Close Combat and Shadow Claw until it fainted. Infernape had taken some damage, so I switched Pokemon with her. She sent out Blaziken. I sent out Sceptile. Blaziken defeated Sceptile pretty easily. I switched out for Arceus. That was a good choice, because I won. She sent out Zekrom, also hacked in, I imagined. I didn't want to use Kyurem right now because of it's not-very-wide variety of attacks. So I defeated her Zekrom, and next Pokemon, strangely Dialga, with Arceus. After that, she healed our Pokemon somehow and we both set out.

Yes. This was very much Johto. Everything was like HGSS, well, the gyms had their teams from Pokemon Adventures. That kind of pleased me and I only realized that because I read every freaking issue thirteen freaking times. Or something like that. Oh, and there were no obstacles I needed HMs for, except water. But I later taught Arceus Surf.

Wait, what? Oh... nevermind. I advanced through the game pretty normally. Well... the elite four was Lance, Bruno, Agatha, and Lorelei. The Champion was Platz. Being the rival and this being the Kanto Elite four, of course she was! After I defeated her (Garchomp and Rotom were added to her team, Shaymin and Pikachu to mine), she brought me to the hall of fame. Which was awesome. Of course... things got weird later...

After the hall of fame and I became champion, I received a message from Platz that told me to come to Mt. Mortar Summit. So I went there, this time with Shaymin removed so I could update my team, and I caught a Lucario (the game is hacked, what do you expect?) and leveled it to level 100 with the infinite Rare Candies that I got with a code I found stuck between the sheets of the game manual. Anyway, after a long while I got to Mt. Mortar Summit, where I found Platz. It started a cut scene. Dia walked up to Platz.

Platz: Dia... you're here...

Dia: Why did you call me here?

Platz: Do you remember what you promised me?

Dia: W-What are you talking about?

There was an evil laugh like the one from Sonic.exe. Platz turned and took a step closer to me.

Platz: Don't you remember what you promised me when I helped you?

Dia: You've helped me a lot, but never asked for anything in return. What are you talking about?

Another Sonic.exe laugh.

Platz: Don't you remember when I gave you Infernape? Arceus? Sceptile?

I didn't understand until I thought about the beginning of the game.

Dia: I-I promised someone that I would get them a Pokemon called... D-Darkrai... B-But... was that...

Platz: Me. Yes. Do you have Darkrai?

Dia: What?! Well... that would explain how you knew I had Arceus...

Platz was the one all along. I couldn't believe I never figured that out. I pressed A. A PC came out of no where.

Platz: Get Darkrai.

I had received a Darkrai from Morty earlier in the game. I pulled it out of the box and moved it into a new slot that was in there, “Platz's Party.” I exited the PC.

Platz: Good. But now you've done my biding. I am done with you. Now... you will die.

I was shocked. My rival, my friend, was going to kill me.

Dia: What?! You tricked me! I thought you were my friend! You played me for a fool!

Platz: Yes. I did. Now we'll finish it.

Dia: Bring it on!

Dia! You're fighting for your LIFE and you say “bring it on?!”

A battle started. It was a double battle. She sent out Dialga, level 255, and Darkrai, same level. I stood no chance. She defeated all of my Pokemon. I was only able to defeat Empoleon with Roar and Perish Song. But I lost. At the end, she said...

Platz: Now... you will suffer the same fate as Kyrem once did...

Darkrai used Dark Void

The screen went black. Then a text box appeared.

Dia: No... please, don't! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I muted it just in case. I waited about a minute, then Platz and Darkrai appeared.

Platz: Heheheh... ready for round two?

It went back to the title screen. I pressed start, thinking my save game file would be deleted, but it was simply replaced. The name was Platz. The Pokedex was 13, and only the play time was the same. I pressed continue. The screen went black. In about a minute, a text box appeared.

Platz: So, you want to play with me?

This surprised me. I felt as if she would try to murder me as she did Dia. But it went to the over world. Platz was in the middle of Dia's house. Darkrai was behind her. I waited a while, then started pressing some buttons. Woah. I was able to control Platz, and Darkrai was following her like in HGSS!! I checked my team. Darkrai. Dialga. Empoleon. Garchomp. Blaziken. Zekrom. Huh. Looked like I was playing as Platz now. Cool!

I left the house and went into New Bark Town. Prof. Elm came up to me.

Prof. Elm: Platz! Uh... um... I just...

Platz: Shut it! Gimme something!

Prof. Elm: Uh... yes! Of course!

Platz obtained Kanto Ticket.

I looked at the Kanto Ticket in my bag's Key Items. It allowed me to Fly to Pallet Town on Zekrom. Wait, what? Oh yes, Zekrom's Haze was suddenly replaced by Fly. Wow.

So I flew to Pallet Town. I went into Red's house. I was greeted by Red, rather than his mother.

Platz: Pokemon League Champion Red!

Red: W-What?! Y-You match the description of the murderer from Johto!

Platz: SHUT IT!!! Gimme something!

Red: Ah... um... will some information do?

Platz: What kind of information?

Red: Ah... you can earn the eight Kanto badges and really prove your strength!

Platz: Hm... I'll take that into consideration.

Red: Brock is the first leader. He's in Pewter.

Platz: First?

Red: Ah, um... or which ever number you want!

Platz: Anything else?

Red: Um... I'll be a travel companion! You know, a body guard!

Platz: Hm... well, I do need a new toy since Dia died. Very well.

Darkrai was returned to it's Pokéball. I walked around a bit. Red followed me. I turned around and talked to him.

Red: Let's do our best, master!

I decided to visit Prof. Oak. I walked into his lab. It started a cut scene. Red ran up to Prof. Oak.

Red: Prof. Oak!

Prof. Oak: Hello, Red! I haven't seen you in a while!

Red: I'd like you to meet Platz, my new master!

Prof. Oak: Master?

Platz walked up to Oak.

Prof. Oak: You! You're...

Platz: ...the murderer from Johto, yes, yes. That's me.

Prof. Oak: Red! Why do you call this juvenile child “master?!”


That part just made me laugh the first two times, then it stopped being funny.

Platz: All right Professor, gimme something.

Prof. Oak: Red, you've made your point. Here, take this, Platz. Oh, but your team is full! Make room in your team and I'll give you this.

OK... luckily Oak's lab was somewhat remastered and had a PC in it. I deposited Zekrom, as I couldn't get used to seeing it without a moving sprite. I talked to Oak again.

Prof. Oak: Here, take this Platz.

Platz obtained an Egg.

An egg. Wonderful. Well, no point in moping. I set out, Red still following me.

After I beat Brock, I set out to Cerulean. As soon as I left Pewter, the egg hatched into a... agh... Missingno. What? I researched it and apparently you can find Missingno in the earlier releases of Diamond and Pearl. Fine. Is this a glitch, or part of the hack? I dunno. I didn't for a while. The Gym Leaders still all had their teams from adventures. Also meaning Blaine, Surge, and Misty had Entei, Raikou, and Suicune. When I defeated those three they would give me the Gym Badge and TM, but before they could finish explaining the TMs...

Platz: SHUT IT!!! Gimme something!

This immediately got me the Johto Trio. Awesome! My team quickly became Darkrai, Dialga, Entei, Raikou, Suicune, and Missingno. Why Missingno? BECAUSE IT COULD LEVEL INTO THE 200s THAT'S WHY.

Oh, and as for Red, whenever I turned to talk to Red, I wrote down what he said. If we were on a route, he would say something like “Let's do our best, master!” or “You're the best, master!” If we were in a cave he said something like “It's dark, master...” or “Are you OK master?” or “I'm scared, master!” Oh, and when we surfed, he would surf on Poliwrath, still following me.

When I turned to him while surfing, he said “I'll make sure you don't get wet, master!” or “Are you feeling OK, master? Are you sick?” And when we were in a snowing place, he would say “So cold... master... help...” or “Are you cold, master? Should I get a blanket?” And if we were in a gym, he would say “Go get 'em, master!” or “Do it, master!”

After I beat Blue (whose team was AWESOME!!!), I did the Elite four rematches, wondering who the champion would be, since I no longer had a rival. After I beat Lance, he said:

Lance: Once again, you have proven your strength. There is no Champion, so go put in your Hall of Fame now.

Red: Let's go, Platz!

We walked into the champion room, what I saw shocked me. Dia was standing there, but he had a zombie-like appearance, just like Kyrem.

Red: W-What? W-Who are you?! Lance said there was no champion!! W-Wait... ARE YOU DEAD?!!

Platz: ...y-you... I-I thought you...

Dia took a step forward.

Dia: You'll pay... for what you did... rawr...

Platz: Dia! I thought you were...

Dia: Dead...? I am...

Red: What?!

Platz: Huh?!

Dia: I have Arceus... or did you forget... the Pokemon YOU helped me catch...? rawr...

Platz: No... no, t-this wasn't supposed to happen...

Dia: It's over... rawr... I challenge you to a final fight!

Red: Master! I'll protect you!

The battle started. I was scared.

Zombie Dia would like to battle.


Red was next to me. Must be a double battle.

Dia sent out Zombie Kyurem and... gawd... Zombie Arceus.

I sent out Darkrai. He sent out Pikachu.

I chose my attack. But it was no use.

Foe's Arceus used Death Trap.

Wait, what? The screen went black. When it appeared again, Darkrai and Pikachu were gone. Wow. Creepy Black. I went to switch Pokemon. A bloody ax replaced Darkrai's sprite. Snow on Mt. Silver. I sent out Empoleon. Red sent out Poliwrath.

Foe's Arceus used Death Trap.

The same thing happened until our last Pokemon. Missingno. Espeon.

Foe's Kyrem used Glitch Murder.

Missingno's sprite slowly faded.

Dia: Hmph. No more of this.

Red: M-Master?!

The screen went black. It stayed that way a while. Then...

Platz: No... please, no! This wasn't supposed to happen! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It went back to over world. Platz was gone. Red and “Dia” were standing next to each other. Kyrem and Espeon were also on the screen.

Red: …

Dia: …

Red: so... she's gone...?

Dia: yessssssss... rawr...

Red turned to Dia.

Red: T-Thank you.

Dia: rawr?

Red: Master was horrible. I couldn't stand seeing her battle style any more. Thank you.

Dia: call her... master?

Red: Well yeah, but...

Dia: rawr... Rawr... RAWR!!!

The screen went black.

Red: No, no, no! You don't understand! No, please no! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

It went back to overworld. Dia was in the middle of the screen. Kyrem was next to him. It started a cutscene.

Dia: Rawr.

He walked into Lance's room. Lance turned around. The screen went black. There was a Sonic.exe scream. It went back to overworld. Lance was gone. He proceeded to do the same to the rest of the Elite Four. He walked out into the Pokemon Center and Poke Mart area.

The screen went black. Sonic.exe scream. Overworld. Everyone else was gone. Dia and Kyrem proceeded to leave the Indigo Plateau. The screen went black. It was like that for a long time. There was a final Sonic.exe laugh. Dia and Kyrem appeared on the screen, the words “GAME OVER” below them.

Dia: Now... onto your world...

They disappeared. The game's final words appeared in the middle of the screen:


I flicked the off switch on my DS.

My brother had been in the room at the time, and saw the end battle and onward. He came up to me and we exchanged expectant glances. The next morning, my brother threw Sonic Classic Colection in the trash.

[Don't believe me? Fine. I know it's real. I don't care what you think.]